Kind of Like That Only More So

One of the first things I used the internet for when I found it / it found me / was to use it to make interesting trouble. I was, in my first days on USENET, a real pain in the ass. As I have gotten older, I feel I have matured out of my most juvenile instincts, and I try to be a good citizen of this stateless nation we all inhabit.

I try, but do not always succeed. I recently found a repository of adorable sloth pictures – sloths are adorable by the way – and in the comments – NEVER read the comments – I took the opportunity to describe sloths as ‘vicious junk-rippers’.

(Those who know me are familiar with my penchant for describing nearly any animal as a ‘vicious junk-ripper’. But I digress.)

This led to significant fact-based pushback along predictable lines: sloths are inoffensive; they only bite or scratch if threatened; they have no interest in hurting any part of a person, let alone their junk. This, in turn, left an opening for fact-ish-based countermeasures: that the hooked claws of the sloth are well-suited for puncturing a scrotal wall and, with a downward motion of their muscular limbs, tearing the ball-sack open to spill out its contents. I further added that such specialization must clearly have evolved purposefully. I took pains to qualify my remarks by NOT accusing sloths of being junk-EATERS, but they perhaps only use this unique defensive maneuver to strongly disincentivize predation.

WELL. Nobody liked that, and I cannot provide you with a link to any of this because I have been blocked from that forum and it has been closed to outside users. I hope that insular little community gets a chance to enjoy their pictures of sloths now in peace, having purged their ranks of wrong-doing menaces – good riddance!

But I hope none of them, having ignored my warnings, ever make the mistake of trying to hug a sloth while 1) being a dude who is 2) wearing loose-fitting shorts. Sloths, man. Look cute; act cute; move deceptively slow. Except when they don’t.

THEY CAN SMELL YOUR JUNK.